Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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