There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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