go do what you do best...puke behind churches
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
