Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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