By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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