I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
