There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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