I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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