The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
