I think i peed on brittanys purse
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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