We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
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he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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