You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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