mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
