Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
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why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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