He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder