Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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