i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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