his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
