i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
