he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
