I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize