I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
