There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
