So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
