Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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