rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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