I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
