I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
