Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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