Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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