Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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