I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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