don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
