Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
