I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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