We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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