from now on my penis is your penis
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
