using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
