i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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