not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
