my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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