Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
