Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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