Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
