How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
