My underwear smells like fireworks.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
