My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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