I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will pee on everything he values.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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