the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
