I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
