i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
