I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
