did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
