I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So much rum. So many feels.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
