It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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