Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
